…BY SUFFERING…

Stage 45 / Wednesday 10 June / From Arnéguy to Roncesvalles / 20 km

 

“Farewell, gentle country of France! Hello, more severe country of Spain!” Today am I going to discover more of the Reverse (the back side?) … after being set Right side up yesterday (the front side?), after being upset by the loss of my hat? If it won’t be the Reverse with a capital R, it will at least be the “back side” … of the Pyrenees, since I’m going to cross the puerto d’Ibañeta that the French call the Roncevaux pass, at 1057 meters altitude.  As for the severity of Spain, I must indeed get used to it and follow the example of the Iberic race, so proud of their traditions of singing the pain of life.

 

In arriving yesterday from the Atlantic Pyrenees, I entered the Spanish part of the village of Arnéguy, in the Navarre province. In one of those shops, low-priced to attract the tourists, I hesitated a moment to buy a Basque beret. It is so typical of this region which covers both sides of the border: I saw it worn by many of the men I’ve passed in the last few days. But I finally decided on a hat with a larger rim, which will protect my big ears better from the baking sun! And I’m very happy with this new hat, sensing that it will make a pleasant new companion … as if, once more, the saying is confirmed: “In every misfortune, there is good!”

 

My only concern, this morning before leaving, was to take care my toenail, my left big toe beginning to be ingrown. Oh, it wasn’t much, not yet really painful enough to make me jump when pressed, but it was starting to dig into the nearby skin. Nonetheless, it was an unpleasant operation, digging the blade of a nail-cutter in the sensitive area under the nail to cut it off. Do you feel it? No fun! But if I had waited, I knew a more painful infection would ensue, and perhaps force me to see a specialist.

 

“Curae leves loquuntur, ingentes stupent,” said the stoic Seneca in his tragedy of Phaedra, in Act II, scene 3: “Small griefs find tongue, the great ones stun you and leave you dumbfounded!” Oh admirable conciseness of the Latin language, I need 13 words to translate 5! And when it’s a question of pain, the quicker one speaks of it and moves on, the better it is! … I realize that the anticipation of future pain is often more difficult to suffer than the pain itself. It’s the perspective of greater future suffering from an ingrown nail that makes me resolve to take care of it. The nail-cutter operation momentarily caused a sharp pain, but I bore it without complaint by taking a deep breath and holding it, with the certainty of relief to follow. Which is the case, moreover, because my toe barely bothers me even when pressed against the end of my shoe!

 

I compare frustration and suffering. One comes afterwards, when one can do nothing more. Being upset is of the past: it has already happened when you talk about it. Like the loss of my hat! But suffering, ouch! It has this terrible side that one can anticipate. One can start to imagine what it will be. And the more one thinks about it, the more fearful one becomes. The worst suffering is at the perspective of separation from a loved one. Suffering caused by the certainty of death: when, how? Ah! The morbid thought of all that will come with it, if this death is accidental: a chock, broken bones, blood flowing, etc.! And oh, another reason why great suffering is mute: one really doesn’t want to talk about it. I tremble just thinking about this possible pain, there, now!

 

I shiver, but this is a pain quite innocuous, compared to what reality can be, to what pain there must be at the moment of the accident! Why are we in a world where so much suffering exists? And can the world advance without suffering? I think of the pain of childbirth, which my male state prevents me from knowing it firsthand. But it is a pain that I accompanied at the births of both my children. The epidural injection already existed the the1970s, but my courageous wife had chosen, in a period when it was no longer necessary, to accept that our first child be born naturally. To learn how to resist the pain, there was training in techniques of rhythmic breathing: deep inhalation followed by panting exhalation, and the husband was invited to hold the wife’s hand and count the rhythm for these breaths.

 

This “painless childbirth” technique of Dr. Fernand Lamaze (1891-1957) worked so well at the birth of our son that we repeated it with even more success at the birth of our daughter! Except that saying “without pain” is a euphemism, the pain is certainly there, but the two of us holding hands together were able to better control it. Do you remember what was already noted: the two of us, my better half and myself are one … So if pain increases, do split in two by the art of compassion. Because what was 2 become ½ … a beautiful example of easing!

 

In our world, saying “change” generally means “pain.” No transformation takes place without a certain amount of suffering. The pain of childbirth! But before that: pain of the separation from parents for the young couple marrying! Growing pains! Pain of seeing one’s body changing! Pain of getting apart! Pain of missing! Pain of growing old! Grieving pain! And yet, no progress can be made without a certain transformation, without a certain degree of suffering.

 

Now, if I agree, in the very zen oriental manner, that the acceptance of pain makes one stronger and hardened, then it can open on satisfactions that otherwise neither I nor my wife would have known. The joy of a baby’s first smile! The joy of the child’s first steps! The joy … of his first laughter of joy! The joy of his first cuddle! The list can only lengthen as they grow, these beings come from your flesh and blood! And if our world only revealed itself without struggles in life, what would it be? What would our world be without these battles to progress in life? What would I be without this suffering that teach me prudence and mistrust, no doubt, but also teach me little by little to become less vulnerable, more confident that after an effort comes comfort.

 

It’s true that the problem is that while one is in comfort and joy, one absolutely doesn’t think about the pain. But the reverse is not true. The state of pain creates envy for all the happiness that will come when this ceases. Is it better to be in paradise rather than wanting to go there? A permanent joy without awareness of the pain that served as benchmark, is it really perceptible? I know the end of joy causes more pain than the disappearance of suffering, especially if others cause it.

 

Speaking of effort, pain and suffering, I sweat, I feel heavy and I pant in the steep climb toward the pass. I imagine the heavier silhouette of Roland wearing his heavy coat of armor. This legendary hero, the famous Roland de Roncevaux (Roncesvalles in Spanish), standing at the top, ready to give his life to protect his emperor Charlemagne, and by recalling the illustrations in my primary school history books, I almost believe I can hear the ringing of his olifant … He suffered in his corps (body) for a good deal before blowing his cor (horn) one last time!

Roland blowing his horn at the Roncevaux pass

And then, what a beautiful spectacle this will be, arriving at the summit of the steep slope! In focusing on the joy that will follow this pain I feel in my panting, groaning and sweating body, I can see a certain virtue in suffering. In any case, I confer on it a sense of a lightening nature … without so much adopting the pietistic attitude of certain religions that encourage the search for pain on the pretext of gaining salvation from it! Nothing proves that the one who doesn’t suffer should fear more than the one who does. I say all that in recognizing that seeking to avoid suffering by any means prevents access to the domains where rein joys otherwise inaccessible … OK, let’s accept our fate: “Every cloud has a silver lining!”